I'm working on the first cut of a three minute documentary. All I can currently say is that I'm crying my eyes out sorting through the footage. It's the last footage ever shot by my mom and the last footage with my mom in it. It's grainy and out of focus, but it's there. It's been years since I've heard her voice. 

I don't get how all those characters in TV shows and films watch videos of their lost loved ones. Why would you torment yourself like that? I do now finally understand why most of those characters are either alcoholics or addicted to drugs. Like them, I'm still traumatised by everything that happened. So as much as I pretend my identity is connected to my family, it's actually mostly connected to the trauma that happened in my family. I am a motherless child. I am far away from those that have any relation to me. The only person still alive I'm directly descendant from is my father.

I've come to realise that this video will never be about me, but about all the people I've lost. When just looking at the family pictures I'm planning on using, the amount of people who are no longer here is far greater than should be normal. I don't have any grandparents anymore. I have only one parent left. This is not a broken family, this is a disappearing family. How do you make a documentary about how family shaped you, when your family is no longer there?